Thinking about you wondering where you are and what you’re doing. Especially now with how much distance you put in between us. Hate to think about you. I don’t like that I’m still thinking about you. I don’t like having you in my head. Wish you’d disappear like any other boy that I’ve had some flimsy crush on. They never last…
You’ve lasted and it shocks me, and it hurts me. And it makes me happy that I can have feelings for anything or anyone longer than a year. But honestly, I just want to move on. You represent an attraction to self-hate. To a past that I don’t want to relive anymore. Honestly you represent a lot of what’s wrong with me. And when I met you, I was attracted to you without knowing it. Looking back it was obviously because of how broken I was at the time. I’ve healed and I’ve grown to be more patient. To be more loving. To be more understanding; learned to be less judgmental without any of your help.
But I do want to say that I’m sorry for how I treated you. Because I did have a hand in you creating all this distance between us? Of course, you can say we were still friends. You can still talk with me, you’ll still hang out. But I’ve been around too many flimsy family members to know that that means nothing. Anybody can say they’ll be there. Only a few will actually try. It starts off with me not even knowing you, writing you off immediately as in the background. I have such good judgement and I guess my judgment of you was that you are non factor. It was harsh, but it told a story, which in the grand scheme of things is accurate. You aren’t here and I didn’t expect you to be later on in life.
I feel like committing is too much for you. Maybe it’s too much for me. But I know it’s not as big of a problem for me as it is to you. I’ve never in my life met someone that I wish to be more like me, but at the same time made me hate myself for not being enough. For somebody else I’m very conflicted. and honestly I had accomplished so much. Just hoping someone like you would notice and now you don’t want that now. I don’t know if I can replicate any of the success that I’ve had. I don’t know. It’s a struggle. I’m still struggling.
And the reason I’m still… still attached, it’s because there was a breaking point when I didn’t believe in you or anyway, when I desperately needed a lifeline and you saved me from drowning. Metaphorically and literally. I think part of the reason I’m still so attracted to you is that you were the one person that didn’t let go. The one person who proved me wrong in a long time. That changed me forever. It’s a night that I can only refer to off camera so-to-speak sadly, but you know. And then you left. Funny thing is, you used to be a lifeguard. But you never did teach me how to swim.
You don’t believe in the people around you you didn’t believe in yourself. You didn’t believe in anything. And it’s hard to reason you didn’t last with us. And you know, I kept telling you realistically if it wasn’t for you. I’d be in your position. I would have left. Because I also wasn’t happy. But watching you struggle in similar ways that I would have. I realize that leaving was not the best option. And that you should’ve honestly just stayed because things were getting better.
Things are still getting better. and people around me still think it’s inexcusable that you left us the way that you did. You didn’t die. You barely even talk to us during or even way after, you just left them, left us. Leaving a hole in a lot of us. A hole that of course got filled with anger for a lot of people.
I know I hated you for the first three days you were gone. That you had the nerve to act like we hurt you. But now I guess it wasn’t for the best for you to stay. I guess it was just toxic clingy girlfriend relationship like you said. But that doesn’t change the fact that you were running away. And that you are a coward and that you always have been. That’s the main difference between you and I I am genuinely not scared of things. That’s something I’ve learned to take pride in. You like to hide and pretend that you’re strong and pretend that you’ll stand up for what you believe in just to give up and run. At best you’re a goalless opportunist that won’t make it anywhere until he realizes who’s actually worth it.
One of the things about you that caught my eye that made me hate you but also somewhat love you immediately was the fact that you reminded me of my father. Someone I’ve vowed to never be like someone I went out of my way to not acknowledge in any way. It’s hard looking back at how I behaved with you. And it’s especially difficult thinking about what would have happened if you had stayed? I, of course, realize now that you were never mine…
I still feel empty without you. You were my first love. And I’m really bitter saying that; it’s really bittersweet not to say it to your face. Not to say it to anyone. I don’t think I could really talk to people about how I feel about you anymore. If feel like I did enough of that when I originally had a crush on you the first time. And you know what? I’m sorry for that, too. And for me to immediately turn into an icy bitch that didn’t understand human decency? Distance I put between us. I guess in a way I was also a coward.
We definitely could have been more. We definitely could have ended better and, like I said, you definitely didn’t have to leave. And I definitely had a hand in you leaving. But I refuse to say that it was my fault. I refuse to say that. Unlike most humans you are special in that way. I don’t make mistakes the way
I have just for anybody. You just leave me with a genuine curiosity. A genuine confusion. I haven’t felt this way towards anybody and I’m not sure I’d feel this way towards anybody else.
On one hand, I am absolutely sure that I can find someone that makes me happier. Someone that doesn’t make me hate them off the bat, but will it be real? I don’t know. With you I felt like it was a real connection. Sorry to speak in vague terms. You understand right? You’ve impacted me.
You’re still a dick though. And honestly, I’m not sure I’m ready to see you another time, as much as I want to. You leaving has affected how much I want to be around other people. I don’t want to be around other people anymore. And while I don’t want to fully blame you. You definitely took a lot of energy out of me. There was a lot of sadness. A lot of people just… they didn’t cry, but they did grieve. And as you know nobody in our group really understands how to reach out how to actually talk.
It’s part of the reason I was angry at other people because it wasn’t just you and me. In actuality I take too much credit, you leaving has nothing to do with me. Five other people had their hands in why you didn’t feel comfortable around us anymore. People are assholes, you’re an asshole, I’m an asshole. This isn’t news to anybody. But it did get to a point that it was too much. You know, I’ll apologize for other people.
But I think the big takeaway that I want you to understand is That there is a point in you to come back. And you coming back? The last time I spoke with you. I offered you to come visit us or at least some of us that you really connected with. That you don’t have problems with. Realistically, we don’t have anything against each other anymore. So I can’t you come see me.
Your reason was that there was no point. In a very slanted way of thinking, I understand. But your logic has always been flawed. There is a point. It’s called closure and you can act like you don’t need it. But you walked away damn near wordless. Damn near shrieking at anybody who questioned you. You can end on better terms than that. We deserve that and you deserve that. And I think that’s all I have left to say to you.