😀
I feel it every year. It’s to the point where Christmas itself is less depressing, and Christmas for the past 5 years just got worse and worse. I guess that’s part of being an adult, living life is a thankless job, yet somehow people still find the nerve to demand gifts.
I got 4 presents this year. 2 were food, 2 were books. I guess I should be thankful, my friend had gotten scratch offs from his family for Christmas until he was 15. He’s admittedly going through a mood too, but I in particular always struggle to comprehend just how much time I ended up wasting in a year.
I never look forward to New Years; if New Years was a holiday like Christmas, it would definitely just be an excuse to be sorrow for myself a second time during winter.
I’m kind of losing sight of everything, it’s not hitting me as badly as it has, probably because of my Vitamin D supplements. I still feel like shit though. I had lost 30 pounds over the summer, I was focused enough to accomplish something that crazy. Now I’m back to my original weight, wondering if it was all a big waste, wondering if I could even accomplish losing 15 pounds in the winter.
I have no real strength right now, I could be dragged along to whatever my friends want to do right now, but even then, most of my friends are gone for the holidays, and I’m just struggling to not waste time. Is resting a waste of time? Realistically, I could sleep all of my days away and still feel tired.
I don’t think it helps that we haven’t had a White Christmas in close to a decade. God had the audacity to make it snow around here for two weeks before Christmas this year. It’s sad really…
Anyways, I’m thinking about changing things for myself, and really attacking more. I’ve always stayed safe with what people wanted from me. It’s honestly how alot of people live their lives. I genuinely think this is why people have a midlife crisis. I feel like I’m having an early midlife crisis, because people don’t know what they want from me, they’ve truely lost interest in whatever I’m doing, and nothing I do matters.
I think of this as a good and a bad thing; if there is anyone out there reading this, having your little post-Christmas midlife crisis, know that you now have the power to figure out what you truly want to do or be, and give up everything people expect you to be.
I’m at a point where I feel incredibly sad and alone, but I can recognize that and change it.
I will say though, I truly wish I was just in the position where I could let go. Where I could put a smile on someone else’s face. I’m sick of not being able to give Christmas presents to everyone, not being able to pay for food without that nagging feeling of being limited, and being a finite person with finite resources, just look at me.
I’m a depressed loser so behind everyone else, I figured making a blog to capture just how much I feel about people who don’t truly care about me was me being productive.
I’m feeling kind of worthless at this second.
Where I am in general is that I’m okay, and then I’m angry/depressed with everything. Nobody around me would call me the depressing type, or figure me for the bipolar. But even though I get this type of energy the most during winter, I have this negativity inside me any day of the year.