~Texted to my Step Mother April, 19th 2020/ 12:20 p.m. ~
I want to start off by first saying that due to what dad has told me (most likely wouldn’t go to main campus), the fact that I’m going to be a junior next year and because of expense and time consupmtion overall, I will be dropping my decision to transfer to OSU. The other thing that I would like to mention is that registration started Monday, and because of the lack of general major requirement classes left for me to choose from, I had to finally make the choice. I declared my major to be Systems Engineering.
The thing I really want to tell you though is something that’s really escaped from dad’s mindset. I’m not a bum. I’m not a deadbeat, I’m not a deadweight. And while I can be pegged to some degree as lazy, I’ve been facing this same mantra of me doing nothing with my time and me being directionless for the past 6 years since my mother passed. Only dad is slightly less infuriating with his delivery of it now than he was in the beginning. Sunday, you had me take a personality test to see what jobs would be good for me. All because I’m viewed as having nothing going on.
But, if you actually look for descriptions of ISTP people, it will quite literally tell you that I’m not lazy, but rather that I don’t find passion in anything that isn’t hands on. And that I am intelligent and that I think mechanically, giving me general skills in practically anything that can be taught to me.
It also says, in the description of ISTP, that these traits cause struggles academically and for choosing a steady occupation. It’s not that I don’t try with these things, there’s just a lack of passion that’s hard for me to confirm what I want from life.
And the last thing that I wanted to comment on is that lecturing doesn’t help me. Especially, when I already know about what is being discussed/me being accused of not doing enough. It’s very frustrating to be asked about my future, essentially insinuating that I don’t have direction and that I’m just some bum. I am still in school for the most part, I’m doing my part to somewhat get the house clean, and also we are under worldwide quarantine. And even in the beginning of the quarantine, I was still essentially working 2 jobs. And I will be working whenever the quarantine is lifted.
I didn’t come home a month early with a plan for everything. As a matter of fact, I came home early because the environment and situation I was in mentally blocked me and distracted me and kept me from thinking for myself. I’m still finding it hard to come up with a concrete plan because I had finally just reclaimed my old room after 5 years of not having one. It took alot of my time to clean, disinfect, and move everysingle thing to this space. It was fairly draining, I had to bleach mop the entire because of mice poo, car fluids and dead spiders.
I’m still mentally putting the pieces together as I go and unfortunately I still have finals and online classes to worry over. It’s alot, but planning is something I can and need to do for myself. Asking me about that stuff just won’t help me, it’s something I truly need to figure out on my own. But I can promise you, I’m not sitting here doing nothing. And once classes are done, I’ll be moving towards driving. That is an entire can of worms that hinders what I can do by alot. It’s going to be my first priority, so if you are looking for a specific thing to help me on, that would be the one.
One last thing, the reason I’m coming to you with all of this is not to attack you, but because I see you understanding and taking away more from this than dad would. There isn’t any point in really discussing with dad about much of anything because he makes it into an argument, an argument he loses, and then he backtracks and admits that I’m somewhat right in what I say, and then proceeds to not do anything to help. This could be him being stubborn, in which case it’s not brought up again. Or the even worse case where he decidely attempts to do better and makes plans and “puts it into the back of his head,” in which case he will forget about it and then have the literal same argumemt with me over and over again, each time denying and forgetting we ever talked about it in the first place.
He can be alot for me to deal with and I feel that I do communicate better with you. I do apologize if you feel attacked by what is said here. I’m just trying to be open and honest with where I’m at right now. It’s rare that I have to and it can be difficult for me to get that honesty across.