June 30
~I definitely published this post on the same day~
Another large update going to happen soon.
Before I go to bed, I would like to start an update blog because it has been 12 days since I last posted. This is isn’t anything new. I think I went a month without posting which was pretty bad. This is when back when all the corona shit started, but it’s still rough to just ignore you guys after doing a 12-week streak. I tried to post in the middle of it, but that I forgot to finish writing it. Still my fault regardless. I do have a lot to talk about now though. Like a lot of little things that happened in two weeks that I’d like to discuss. And I’m going to use VoxRec for this because it’s a lot and I don’t feel like typing all this right before bed. It’s probably going to end up being a 35-minute speech, and probably my longest post ever. But that’s okay because I just bought the membership.
Anyway, I’d start this off with… I finally got a ride. I’m not going to be crashing in the basement anymore. I know it’s stupid of me. I shouldn’t have just crashed in the basement without saying anything to anybody. Realistically I could have probably gotten a ride from somebody way beforehand, but with my shortened amount of shifts, usually two to three a week, with one of them being on FridI can now just ask for one of them to take me home. Fridays, I’m watching Drag Race All Stars 5 with Israel, so he’ll probably take me home anyway, if he doesn’t get drunk or high that is.
Which reminds me, Vivian is back in town. She went to Chicago after her and our mutual friend, Jackie, got in fight. I’ll have to give Vivian her own post because she does have some damn problems. But essentially Jackie called her a narcissist and they don’t really want to see each other for the most part. They can live in the same house. They live in another sorority house, but they just don’t want to really hang out with each other and they’re not going to trust each other again the way they used too. Which is sad to see and it’s kind of rough because Jackie was already planning on transferring to a different College. Nobody really wants to see that, not even Vivian. She’s great, She’s a good person, and people are currently talking to her and trying to get her to reconsider.
In other news, the person I was supposed to do social chair with for the next year is doing classes at a state college for the next semester due to cost reasons. This is another blow in terms of people not sticking around. I had to blatantly talk it out of her because she wasn’t telling me directly which is something she should tell me before, you know, the next semester happens, but you know, she’s an idiot. Anyways, I talked the president about it. She seemed understanding. But then she went and with Israel. And now Israel is saying something different. I told the president that I think there should be a re election. I didn’t really want the position. I only got it because I accepted the fifth renomination for it. It came in a Zoom meeting for elections I deadass didn’t want to attend. Now I’m hearing that it’s still being discussed and that I’m likely stuck with it. But I’ve talked about it enough.
I went back to the bike shop. I had a lot of money prepared because the first visit was super expensive what with the $400. I mean, it was a good bike, but I didn’t expect it to be that much. I had gotten the bike seat raised when I went there. I didn’t know whether it needed to be lowered or raised. Unfortunately, that was mostly a side mission. I really went in for a new bike seat and basket for the back. There weren’t any sadly. They said that they would be back in stock with everything by the second week of July. When I got the bike seat raised, it gave me hope because my legs weren’t as sore riding it, but even now like it’s a lot of flags.
I realized that I probably do not have chronic pain. I probably only have a bunch of muscle knots in my legs that slow down the circulation, on top of me being fat already and out of shape. And I was looking for a massage therapist in the area, but that might be expensive and I’m focusing on getting a car right now in terms of money. I still have to figure out how I’ll pay off my backrent. When I lived in the attic, I didn’t pay rent at all until February. It was right before all the corona shit happened. I still paid but once I lost both of my sources of income it was kind of impossible to even stay living there which was a big reason that I never admitted to anyone except Vivian. It was a big reason that I left the first time anyway, which was a month earlier than expected. It was because I couldn’t afford it on top of me not wanting to be around the other people.
But that’s kind of where my money situation is. It’s slowly, slowly getting better. It’s not like I’m just spending all the money I make. I did go to Target for a Thermo bag because I had expected to have a basket for the bike and to have been able to just ride the bike to work. Because apparently if I take the right route, it’ll be shorter for me ride the bike through this forest path trail thing. It is a pretty well known park trail bike trail thing that goes straight through to near my workplace. And that’s part of the reason I wanted to focus on getting the bike. The path takes a lot less time and once I get in shape and get my legs finally prepared for that I can use that to go back and forth in less than half an hour between the two. And that would be a lot less time for me.
What was I talking about? I was talking about going to Target for the thermo bag and I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I was looking for a hot and cold bag. I think that’s the name of it. But I all I could find was a lunchbox thing that somewhat keeps food cool. I don’t know. It’s just a substitute because I didn’t find shit else out there. It was raining allday then too. I did end up getting a bunch of clothes because they look nice and I read the tagged wrong. one shirt that I bought fit me fairly well, but I bought a bunch of shorts and bikinis that just didn’t fit and you’re not allowed to try on anything because of the coronavirus stuff. So I still have all the shit. I still have the tags and I still have the receipts, so I’m fully able to go back when I want to. But it’s just walking there. I don’t fully have the energy to do it. I’m probably going to end up doing it today anyway, but I just haven’t had the energy to do it.
I also went to Fashion Discount Warehouse with Israel. Fashion Discount Warehouse is fantastic. At least if your girl it’s great. I only found 2 good things that fit me for $15 total. I wanted more, but with me bloating and gaining weight recently. There wasn’t much to fit me.
July is coming soon though, and I need to finish the Naruto thing before I have the chance to start the TFS DBZA marathon. I always do this every year. I’m not fully certain why; I think it’s because I watched it around the time of the Fourth of July, but it is a tradition to me now to watch Dragon Ball Z Abridged all the way through on the fourth of July. There’s not enough time in the day to do it on the 4th. So I usually continue it through the 5th and I just enjoy myself doing that. I’m not sure if they’ll schedule me for the 4th. I’m not even sure what days they’ll try to pull me for. I’m wondering if they might get people probably calling off for that day. I don’t think I will be completely free, it’ll be pretty busy by then. So they’ll probably have whoever they can get for it.
But DBZ, it brings me back to something I still haven’t gotten a handle of. I planned on doing it like way before like May even hit, but I’m still right now figuring out when and how I’m going to write the fanfiction. I absolutely haven’t forgot. It’s just a lot has been going on and I’ve been focusing on my money situation as opposed to like writing.
I’ve gotten close to finishing my binge on the original Naruto series. I’ve gotten close to getting the phanatohobia achievement of Rogue Legacy. It’s the one where you have to make it through the castle without dying. Well beat all the bosses and beat the game only dying like 15 times or less not, including Johannes or Sir Lee. It’s also close to Rift end. It ends in like eight days. And I’m think I’m finally reaching like a breaking point where I’m somewhat reclaiming my sanity. And what I mean by that is I’m looking around and I’m realizing just how far I’ve been letting myself go in terms of routine, ambition, and just in general.
I’ve been very unhinged this summer. I need to stop stealing quarts of ice cream from work. I need to acknowledge the fact that I do have food. Other than that and I don’t need to order pizza every time I’m out. It’s just simpler to do other shit, but I’m also just drained of energy because of how much I’ve been eating.
I also literally just got drained. I had donated plasma and this time it was a lot more painful in general and it sucked a lot more. See the first time it went smoothly. Of course. I acted like an idiot. I always act like a tipsy idiot when I’m doing something new or experiencing something new but the procedure and all that went smoothly in terms of me. Just getting it taken along with me getting screened to do it. However, there was a point where I just kept squeezing my hands. I was stuck there doing it for 15 minutes while my hand cramped without getting any progress made.
They eventually pulled out the needle a little bit from place and it started working again, but my hands were so fucking drained by then and I still had to get the rest of it done. And I was thinking about joining my friends for a BLM protest after, but that just didn’t happen after that whole thing; after they decided to throw in the saline. I was in another panic because I was already kind of panicked after the whole thing where they just didn’t notice me suffering for like 10 minutes, but like When it finally ended in they put in the saline the shit ton of saline. They did at the end. I felt a temperature shock that I should have felt the first time I went there. I was just fully ready to leave and he told me the doctor that came and finished it. I don’t even want to call him a doctor but he came in and told me that I had earned my $50 and I was pissed off because I was told that the second time it was a $100 but apparently that was only for may and for June it was $50, which is really fucking stupid and I’m probably never going to go back over there anymore.
Something I found out while I was there while they were screening me. I’m around 280 fucking pounds right now. And while I can still keep writing a bunch of that off as muscle, I need to kind of stop and slow down on my bad eating habits. Obviously. I’ve been saying fuck it for a long while now. and obviously that’s taken its toll and I so truly believe that I can reverse that damage, but this is definitely beyond my largest.
I’m looking for new work too. It’s just it’s also it’s not just that I work in an ice cream shop that I steal from and get fat from but it’s also because I done something really risky and I haven’t told you guys yet. I’ve been editing my time because I know most of the managers passwords and I’ve been able to like edit when I clock in by like minutes or an hour nothing too crazy. Otherwise, they know exactly who was doing it. But it’s to a point where I think somebody somewhere kind of just figured out something is wrong and they’re taking steps to figure out who, and honestly, I’m not going to be around just to get fired for it. Especially because I don’t really value this work. Like at all. It’s just kind of there and I’m just kind of available for it.
July is the birth and death months of my mother and it’s something I always kind of forget until it nears. I don’t really think about it before, I only somewhat think about it after, but because August is near my birthday and when school starts realistically, it’s just the largest chunk of time where I can think about my birth mother. I don’t know how this is gonna play out with my dad because he’s married to my stepmother now. It is the first year that he’s going to be even dealing with that with her around. But it’s also weird cuz her birthday is around the Fourth of July, and the Fourth of July is like my favorite holiday. It’s the one holiday where I can just go out and have fun. My ADHD roam free. I can just go out at night. It’s not too hot. I can just enjoy the sights and shit. It’ll be a lot more fun at a different place, but I can enjoy myself and I don’t have to be around other people to enjoy it. And it’s the main draw there isn’t too much expectation of me to deliver something for the Fourth of July, which is more than I can say for birthdays Christmas and all the other shit Thanksgiving all the other shitty holidays people value so damn much.
I don’t know, July has always been an unlucky mom’s for most people in my family atleast. I know which is strange and it’s also extremely hot and I’m super pissed that the damn air conditioner doesn’t fit my window. I don’t know if I’m going to forcefully break the window or do something to it so that it fits but like I’m going to use this damn air conditioner if it’s the last things I do. I just hope it’s not another money hole to pour into. Luckily, I don’t have to spend any money on a bed. Vivian had mentioned to me that her brother might have a bed he’s getting rid of. I can just get a mattress topper for it. It’s a twin but realistically it’s probably better for me than sleeping on the floor the way I have been. Realistically, I’m in a pool of covers on the floor surrounded by food crumbs and ants ontop of what essentially has become a floor mat. I’ll have to probably buy a mattress topper, and other things if I do get the bed. But atleadt I’ll have the pleasure of knowing I’m using it. And it’s not just sitting, wasting away somewhere.
That’s one huge difference between me and my father. I do not like buying things that I don’t get my use out of if, not immediately, In some way shape or form. That’s part of the reason I was super pissed at the bike not working out the way I planned. I can’t use that shit when it rains.
Anyway, someone I haven’t seen in awhile. I also visited my friend. I’m going to call him Retep. And I hung out with him. He apparently switches between living with his father and mother because they’re divorced. I didn’t realize he’s switched between the two. He might have only done that recently. Apparently his friend is going to live with him and his father. They’re going to make the space because they don’t fully have it, but I don’t know. It’s something.
He tried to take me out to eat to somewhere that he said he got half off because he worked there. The employees were like “you don’t work here anymore.” And my expectations of retep are already pretty low. I don’t, I’m not fully sure when, but he’s another one that’ll just get there on post because he’s fucking terrible. I love him, but he’s terrible and my expectations of him are extremely low as is so I didn’t even really care. But it was of course fairly obvious that his coworkers in his employees don’t like him at all because you know if I went somewhere that I didn’t work anymore, but the people there knew me, they would still probably get me free shit if they liked me enough which they normally do (which most people with coworkers they’ll do that for regardless).
Like it takes another person to just “say you don’t work here anymore” as adamantly as they were saying it. He said he worked catering. It’s a burrito place like realistically it was embarrassing for both of us. They gave me a free drink, and I think it was because they kind of pitied me for even being his damn friend but like it was it was fairly embarrassing moment to even be attached to. And he anoints he tends to do something. Every time I visit him or hang out with him, he usually does one thing that fucking annoys me and then he tries to brush it off. Like he didn’t do something wrong and tries to change subjects or change like the tone of the day or whatever. And it just looks incredibly stupid. He’s a stupid person. Incredibly ignorant. He does some of the stupidest shit you would ever hear. He’s one of those white people that just throws his money around. Says he isn’t rich(and isn’t) but does ignorant shit like he’s made of money. I don’t know. I think I’ve talked enough about it.
We went to the pool that apparently his father doesn’t have he his father lives in an apartment complex that has like community pool and we went in there and I was there for hours and I got incredibly ashy, like ashier than normal. Not only that but I wasn’t wearing underwear under my swimsuit and there were people there and I was worried that they see inside of my like bathing suit, which was really bad. I don’t know. Retep is also a perv. I have no doubt in my mind part of the reason he keeps trying to invite friends with him to the pool outside of the straight-up loneliness and the fact that he does want to hang out with friends is that he closetcase pervert. He very sneakily tries to sneak peeks at people while they’re semi-nude. It’s very pathetic. He gives bisexuals like me a bad name :(. He’s kind of a pathetic person but you know off of that topic.
I just looked at cars.com aftee I was Google searching how to get a car for under $1,000. I wanted to see if there was anything close to getting scrapped. It would probably just be best for me to look under the $2,000 range and get like a nice okay car. But me looking at cars.com did give me a second wind in terms of me having hope to get a car. By the time I had started making the other post, the post that I posted an hour ago(night before), when I started that post, I was definitely losing hope of ever even driving before leaving college. But now I’m seriously just considering getting a loan and dealing with that and focusing on what I want and focusing on you guys and focusing on establishing good habits because I realized July is coming and I don’t want to all into bad habits again.
While July is a bad month. It is also a month of growth like last summer; I grew a lot and got my first job. It was my first time dealing with a lot of things right before a very stressful semester. I learned a lot and it was powerful. I don’t know. I gained a lot. Progress has happened and everything else. Lately though, I’ve been letting everything slip through the cracks. That’s kind of why I kind of settled on buying the VoxRec and getting shit. I need to get things moving.
I can finish whatever I need to do with dead by daylight and in Rogue Legacy and just quit that for a while. Especially Rogue legacy. I can focus on money, getting shit together, and getting my shit together. Israel had offered to give me driving lessons or to help me learn otherwise, and I’m very capable of learning the rules and reading the book on my own and figToing all that out. But it’d be nice to have that going with me, especially because this would be my first time since Notsua, that anyone would teach me anything period. Notsua is a guy I’ll probably make 2 posts out of, and then I won’t mention it ever again. It’s that kind of relationship. I’m starting to go bad and restart my good habits again.
I have to nag my stepmother again soon. Her Lifetime Fitness subscription is unusable in her condition and I’ve been waiting for her to call the location near me about letting me use hers. I’m not sure if I want to add a gym subscription on top of the VoxRec subscription. I do you want to go all-in and move and figure shit out, but I don’t want to Be too Reckless if I don’t have to. I also need to nag Whoringe about her not having made my letters in the past year since I’ve given her my shit.
Right now, and I could have easily predicted this after he chose to fucking recklessly buy a house, but my dad’s feigning broke. It’s the first time in a while. And he did just buy a house and get loans from it. But like, Come on now. He willingly chose that. He chose that, he chose to buy ahouse. While it was with her, he did make a choice to go out and buy a house. Not even within a year of their marriage. Which would probably I think be the four and a half year of their relationship. Obviously not long enough, but he has alot of obvious problems. My father is gaining a lot of weight. It’s out of control. Just kind of same as me, but like, he never has known how to take care of himself or how to truly like lose the weight. Well or naturally, I’m low-key worried about him, but I’m also pissed off because he should have really made sure both of his children were in check and how to work them figuring shit out. Cuz while cars may be somewhat expensive, I’ll admit to that, like we had my mother’s car sitting in the back for years and he just let it rot. And I think eventually got that taken off the premises. He just got rid of it and he couldn’t even get $50 as an offer for it. He told me he’d give me any of the money he got from selling it he did he couldn’t even give me that.
Dad’s definitely going to end up getting his own fucking post because fucking all his damn issues and all the hell he put me through he’s going to get a letter. He’s going to get all the shit. He taught me literally nothing in this world. Nothing. You think I’m just being a bitch and exaggerating. I’ve been waiting for a long time for us to get in another fight, so that I could literally ask him face to face what he’s taught me, or what he’s truly helped me accomplish in this world. Because if any parental influence, my mother having been dead for the past 5 years is still leaps ahead of him. He’s just really problematic.
Moving of the shit show. I also just got the email that we will be pursuing College in person for the next semester, but they’re going to be taking away our three-day weekends and fall break and a bunch of other shit in order for us to focus on learning. This is going to end up being horrible, but realistically, this is probably somewhat better, only somewhat, than online realistically. And even then it’s like I’m still not even sure I want to do online. or College.
I still don’t have a plan. It’s part of the reason why I wanted to make moves for the future. And focus on me. But right now I’m kind of in the state. I’m just getting out of a state. Excuse me. I’m getting out of a state of confusion. Of restlessness, of worry, a panic of not making ends meet. And I’m trying to transition into a more hopeful, pushy person that will make things happen because I know I can make things happen.
In other news, the post before this post was my 50th post. And then on that post, Imention that on my 50th post, or at least somewhere in my posts, I had promised to do an overhaul on the site on my 50th post. But with the 12th a streak, and with how often I normally post in general, I had not expected to get to 50 posts this quickly. Not that manquthough honestly. Once I hit 100 posts. I’ll really have done something. And I’m actually proud of myself for getting this far.
Of course, it’s not that Stellar that I focused on this for longer than a few months; that I didn’t just drop it entirely, especially with me having to pay over 300 for it. But I definitely feel like I’m making progress with this. and with June getting the most visits in the most visitors, I intend to improve on that and continue the state of growth not only with this blog but I believe that’s all I have to say.
Thanks for listening. 💋