So, I’m already struggling to keep up with anything, already. I feel stuck. It’s literally only been one week. I already feel like shit and hate everyone around me. College is starting to drag on and I feel like I’m drowning.
The little things…
For one, everyone around me is making me cringe heavily. It’s like, there was a time where I had a connection to everyone of them. Now, it just feels like they’ve transformed into worse versions of themselves.
Also, I’m struggling to grasp why I’m even still here, in any sense of the word. Struggling to find a reason to stay. My happiness, my future, just isn’t in this place. It probably never was.
I feel like I’ve just been floating on incidental occurrences. I refuse to do anything real to change where I’m going in life. That’s because I don’t know where I want to be. If I knew what I wanted to be, then I could go to it. End of story.
I have the firm belief that if I wanted anything on this planet, I could go out and get it. Some way, somehow. I feel as if a massive spark in my life got dampened. Stomped out completely. Then, the painful realization hits, so morbid and terrifying. I never had the spark to begin with.
Am I ever gonna see happiness? Whatever it looks like anyway. I want to feel safe. Secure, like I’ve done something in this life FOR ME. Going to college didn’t help me get much. And I’m struggling to find an end goal.
Have you ever looked around you and saw that everybody was on their phones? The immediate thought is that I’m the only one paying attention. Finally, it clicks in my head. In a social media dominated world, I’m the one that’s behind. With no way to catch up.
Why?
Why does everything have to be so painful?