Maybe it’s entitled to say I can understand fully what chaotic means in an environment. But I feel truly that chaos is being in a state where things just keep happening. And the things that happen are only related chronologically.
That we can agree on atleast, my stipulation is that the future being unpredictable would be the largest factor. Because you can’t prepare or prevent a fire when you’re dealing with 5.
But there is ONE positive…
For all of you that have stuck with me for a long time…
…
I FINALLY GOT A FUCKING CAR!!!
Pass Go!
This will be the summer that everything changes. Not just because Covid year was problematic for us all, but because I was planning on changing things around literally a month before the pandemic started.
For new people reading this blog, it was the November before covid even started that I started this blog (Completely unrelated). And around when Covid was starting, my father being an essential worker, and my step mother working from home as a college administrator, were slightly tone deaf to everything that happened.
The only real wake up call was dad having to wear face shields at work and every store ran out of toilet paper.
Monika… what does that have to do with anything???
It means that the obvious things that I need help with became more obvious and necessary to work on. And they simultaneously ignored them more while giving me signs that they would cut me off.
And not in warning signs or anything direct, or even just a discussion. When the pandemic started, they fully bought a house. With room for my sister, and step siblings.
…
Without me of course.
Disclaimer for all the assholes!
I acknowledge that at my age, I should’ve been more prepared and more able to deal with this situation regardless of what was or what wasn’t given. There’s a point in your life where you just grow up.
HOWEVER! The very conversation that I had with dad about it before, he specifically told me he was getting a house we could all live in. He made it very clear that this included me, by saying he wanted a place for me to stay when I leave dorms once a semester is over.
I know that dad isn’t responsible completely after I turn 18. But directly misleading me really sucks. And, while I’ve managed to claw most of what I need. The message of them pushing me out rang clear. And I knew what I needed from then on. I needed to learn to drive. And to get a car.
Brief overview of the 1 + 1/2 year that followed:
Covid happened. Lost both jobs immediately. Refocused on school. Got the best grades I’ve had so far in college. Picked systems engineering as major. School ended, things reopened partially, wanted to go the gym because of intense weight gain from pandemic sitting in.
Summer just ended up being, me going back to one of my jobs, doing alot of shifts, having to take the bus, blah blah blah. Worked alot, earned alot. Got news that I had to buy a $2,000 laptop for my major (Couldn’t afford it).
Engineering was already proving to be shit, considering most of the classes I had to take had a lab that you also had to take for no credit. Owner of the place I worked at retired and left it to a very much business centric gay couple that owned another location.
School Part 1: Dreadful Covid Semester
The first semester, because of covid we had phased entrances. And I think that because I lived in the same city, the school just assumed I could commute. Yet I couldn’t drive, and bussing from there to my house was like 2 hours outside of the walk. Stressful as shit, Physics, Calculus and their respective labs were killing me. And the generic freshman engineering lecture and lab sucked too. Moving on…
I was also distracted because one of the most important elections of all time was going on, one of the biggest crises. And freshman Engineering classes are already made to screw you over and weed out people that aren’t 100% committed.
School Part 2: Winter Break
I walked into Thanksgiving with the plan that Israel (gay best friend) would help teach me how to drive, because he offered and knew I needed the help. Not only this, but after bombing the semester the way I did, I needed both an exit strategy and at least some attempt to being independent.
Sure, at this point, there was still hope to fix everything. And there’s alot I could’ve done to prevent this. I just didn’t have the time to find the introspection that I needed. Long story short, Israel and I couldn’t do stuff because Christmas got in the way, and his car broke literally the day of Christmas. And with parents being passive aggressive after me being honest about how the semester went, my decision to point blank drop out after Spring was cemented.
School Part 3: The Dramatic Drawn-Out Conclusion
After failing to meet my goal of driving and having a car by January. My step mother had bought a $400 drivers ed course. And made it pretty much up to me to deal with. Now, I am a damn adult, and I get that I need to do shit on my own. But this scenario is very different in the sense that I’m 21 and didn’t remotely ask for lessons. In fact, I warned her that it was not necessary at all in terms of actually getting my license.
She insisted and did it anyway. It was really just a way to brush off the responsibility with helping me accomplish learning to drive. More on that later.
School on the other hand was even more hellish in terms of workload. Luckily, I wasn’t as distracted, but it was definitely more to deal with. The workload itself was me working on the incompletes I had racked up from the semester prior. 4 to be exact. Along with me only doing 3 classes so that I could manage it all. Suffered. Got all my incompletes done, but failed one class this semester, making it all seem pointless…
My Last Post
While it did come from a place of crashing reality, I stand by my statement. College. Fuckin. Sucks. And I just hope I’m able to navigate without a degree. Having said all that. That was May 8th, and this (the time I’m typing this portion up) is July 16th.
Over 2 months…
I feel like you’ve read enough overviews, so I’m gonna skip it this time. Just know that this period involved alot of getting the minivan I bought fixed, and changing plans like 7 times knowing what the end result is going to be regardless.
Monika… Get to the Goddamn Point!
Out of such a chaotic period, I wanted to make sure that this summer had Literally ANYTHING DOCUMENTED! Last Summer was really the startish of this whole year of Covid baggage, and I’m upset that I kind of lost that. I know I can piece together maybe 70-80% of it, just on memory alone, and an additional 10% if I go back through texts, emails and conversation. But I just hate the feeling of losing something.
Not only that, but I do want to acknowledge that I’m in a better place, and seeing the negatives aren’t so bad. I’m truly on my way to rectify and fulfill something that should have been done a long time ago. I’m optimistic right now. And once I’m fully done editing this long ass post. I can truly start resetting and accomplishing things and setting goals again.
Alright, whatever Monika. What’s going on right this second with you?
I’m realizing that having crushes and waiting for things to come to me and fantasizing is losing all its hold on me. While me being suspended and taking a break from school does not exactly mean that I’m a loser. And I’m honestly seeing it as a positive in the direction the world is going. Right now, after months of weird passive aggression, dad is going to get out his battery charger, and recharge my van’s battery. Being useful to me for the second time this summer.
Been mainly typing these one handed while at a plasma donation center bleeding for money. That’s what I’m doing now. Waiting to hear back from the manager of a new food place my friend has pushed me to work with him at.
Overall in an okay-ish place. Stressed about taking the drivers test in less than a week. For a reason I will not be explaining. And what I’m thinking about doing is reviewing this past year in parts, so that I don’t lose everything to time. I will end that segment with how this chaotic as summer. We all know I won’t be done with these posts until after summer is over. And I will try my best to complete the fanfiction chapters I’ve been delaying.
Thanx for Listening 💋💋💋
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Fanfiction:
Easy Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/~monikared
Permanent: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/13011946/