My decision… Monika Red officially becomes a college dropout…
It kind of dawned on me way before Christmas.
This is before I even left for break. This was set in stone, even before I took my break from work/quit my job before winter break. I was just so tired, and I barely even did anything for school.
And I had several realizations.
The first one I realized that, during my entire time here in college, I’ve only gotten lazier, and I’ve only gotten more tired, and I’ve only gotten more unhealthy. The only time I worked on my health was one summer, I blazed through it and then I gained all this weight back. And now because of the pandemic, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. And part of me is now truly worrying about diabetes.
I’m just worried. First priority – health; second priority – I need my own space to grow.
I need to figure out who I am.
You know, that’s what I want to be figuring out spiritually. Learn about myself, and find what I even want to do.
I know, liberal arts stereotype. Monika’s a broken record.
I think I know exactly what I want to do, but it’s not one clear-cut thing. Multiple things at once and I’m just stressed; hard to make it all a reality which I guess serves my point. It’s hard to make it work when you’re still in college, studying things that both don’t interest you, and won’t help you in the long run.
I want to write, I want to make music. I want to have a YouTube channel; become a streamer. Maybe I’m in over my head.
Sure. Everybody wants to do that. And you know what? I get it.
I’m unique though. I’m smart. And I will pull it off.
While I am nervous and semi-panicky about having to make plans to do it, part of me is very certain that I’ll be okay and that I’m going to make it through and that I’ll be successful.
Just signs and shit, maybe part of me will become an astrologer. That’ll be fun; do $200 zodiac chart readings.
But yeah. I’m dropping out.
I’m dropping out of college and I haven’t told either my step mother or my father. And I won’t be telling them until I have plans ready for an apartment.
When it’s already decided what I’m going to do.
And you know initially my plan was to just DoorDash full-time because I can make good money off of that. I can definitely still blog using VoxRec and editing and shit while waiting to get people’s food. But hey, I need a good car to do that full time. And for what I’ve been reading and hearing about it, It’s topsy-turvy in terms of money making.
So I’m looking to become an Amazon warehouse worker. It’s going to be stressful, but I’m going to need I have a very very convoluted plan.
And right now I’m trying to put it into work.
I’m not even fully sure if I need to do any more than I’m doing right now though because COVID is messing with several things, in a way that I need to make sure that I could even execute a plan. It’s just hard to explain right now. First off on I need to get the minimum amount of credits, so I’m not stressing myself out over nonsense.
I was told that once the due date passes for 100% refund of your classes you can drop all the classes you want and it won’t affect your enrollment/tuition payments, with the only drawback being you obviously need atleast one class.
Me finally acknowledging that I’m the common denominator in all of my problems
So I’m gonna do exactly that while keeping my full-time enrollment and I can still likely do a full time job on the side. It’ll be a waste of money on Dad’s part, which is admittedly fucked up. This past year, to make anything happen for myself, I continually screwed him over, and I do feel guilty about that. Along with the fact that he’s paying for my food and not knowing it.
But that decision to screw over dad was made during last year with COVID and shit. Year of the rat. I was doing my rattiest behavior, and now I’m looking to burn through and trample 2021, year of the ox. An I’m not solely mentioning this because one of my favorite YouTuber astrologers mentioned what I should be doing.
I was definitely planning on just blazing through and pushing and seeing if I can make Youtube, fanfiction, this blog, music, and other general debauchery could work if I just work hard like I planned on in the first place.
Now is finally my time. But it’s going to be rough when I hit May and I have to tell them that I’m dropping out and getting an apartment.
It’s actually going to cause an argument, especially because they’ll probably bring up the phone again, which should be the least of their damn concerns. But they’ll honestly do anything to spite me in a scenario like the one I’m building in my head.
God my leg is ashy. I just took a shower and then came up here because the room was finally empty I get.
I’m up here recording with VoxRec. Just did the Christmas post recording and now I’m recording this.
Back to the subject.
My plan is to cut all but one class which will be my 8 a.m. So that I can attempt either part-time or full-time work at an Amazon warehouse once I get my car.
And I need to do that for at least a month so that I can prove that I have consistent income around three times the rent of an apartment before taxes (an apartment with utilities included).
It’s at least $15 per hour wage working there. And if I do 40 hours a week, I will have around $2400 a month before taxes. I’ve been researching I’m figuring it out.
And once I settle in with the Amazon thing, what I’m also going to do is get a free like print it out credit report.
I think only like a month back, I was applying for another credit card because after a year with Chase, my credit limit was still $500. My credit, only within the past couple years of having open accounts, isn’t that great because accounts need to age to show your ability to pay on time for an extended period of time. I didn’t know about hard inquiries though because Dad didn’t teach me anything lol. On top of me having a low credit limit that, in multiple ways, already negatively impact my credit score, instead of having no inquiries, the one brought my score. Not too much, but now I’m scared to have anything else negatively impact my score, let alone a second hard pull for an apartment that I get denied from.
Managing credit is so stressful
I’m really happy I had gotten my card when I did, because my credit is really just toggling being old enough to be good enough for an apartment. Speaking of which, I’m gonna go to chase and ask them to raise it from $500 to $1500.
From what I’ve read, the three credit score companies have to give you a free copy of your credit score without hard pulling if you had gotten a hard pull within 6 months, and got denied whatever you were applying for. So I’m going to take this new knowledge and use it to my advantage to use the free copy of my credit score to avoid getting hard pulled without acceptance.
It’s alot to think about and prepare for. And it’s even more stressful because I will never know everything I need to know about what I’m attempting before I attempt it. But like I said, I’m confident that I’ll figure it out.
However, I’m struggling just to even act like I care about my grades right now, because last semester was bad. I still have the two incomplete grades. I definitely failed the other two. It’s definitely a huge determining factor when I made my decision, but to be honest, I would to some degree be having the discussion with myself regardless. And I’m actually kinda thankful, that I’m kinda forced into re-evaluating everything.
Something to be thankful for:
They took me out of student government. Thank God! I’m so glad to be out of there. You never know how glad you are to be out of a situation until you’re forced out.
Right now I only have seven credits because I’m taking the second freshman engineering class and the lab for 4 credits, and a general education class for 3. And now I need 5 more credits to be full-time, which I’m still figuring it out. One of my friends mentioned to me music classes that I would be interested in. I hear the teacher’s great.
As I said, I’m sure I’m going to make it but it’s all just a lot. This is a very stressful stressful stressful time in my life. And I haven’t even made any moves yet, and I still had to figure out driving.
You know, that’s what I’m going to make the next post about because that’s another interesting thing.
I didn’t touch upon it with the last post, but I think that should be its own entity.
A quick few notes I wanted to make, now that I’ve finished editing
I never mentioned the game plan after my decision to drop out has been told to my parents. I’m going to switch to part time with Amazon, and then focus on everything that I’ve been wanting to do. This winter break, I learned that even with a lengthy summer break, I feel restricted from doing what I want because somehow someway, schoolwork and school related things always loom over my head. It just becomes difficult to focus on what I want. Because of where I was at this point in winter break, I decided to make other things a priority.
And don’t worry about dad, I plan to fully pay him back for all he spent on my tuition after I finish paying off student loans. Which is also another reason I don’t want to continue, while my loans have been a low amount, I’ve recently had to take out more of them because my parents got remarried. And my father went from widowed to remarried, so tuition double because my financial aid package was recalibrated. I’m mentioning this because I have the feeling that people are gonna see this and this will be their first impression of me.
Bye.
Thanks for listening
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