I would like to start off by saying this will be short. Not horribly short, but me just getting certain thoughts out before October hits us. I believe the First Presidential debate just occurred. Neither Biden or Trump could refrain from insulting and attacking each other. As opposed to staying on topic. Kind of strange feeling about how this election is gonna turn out. And I’m realizing it’s still only September.
Moving off politics, right now I am in a lecture, review for another midterm I’m gonna have. Feeling really stupid honestly. The blog in all this time has gotten an influx of followers and likes recently. This obviously has changed my viewership by a lot, and September has, with respect to WordPress, had over 5x the amount of my most viewed month (June). Very much wondering if that will last at all.
With that, I’ve gotten my first full on argument. It was days long and it ended with her telling me that I have to many excuses for things and that’s why I’m “unhappy”. It was very much off the topic of the original argument, but I’ll admit that she had a semi-valid point.
And that comment got me thinking about what it would actually mean to be famous for this blog. It was one argument and I felt how much it dragged on. I never felt like having to defend myself so much in that kind of way. Usually, people don’t tend to argue with me, A. because I just don’t stop lol. If I’m arguing, there is at least one bit of validity in my argument, and therefore I never back down.
But being famous, I’ll have to deal with people who literally have nothing better to do than to have drawn out arguments with lots of shit to say about my opinion. By that point(Hopefully) I’ll have rabid fans who’ll attack anybody who even tries. But it was just a thought.
The actual update
Still struggling. Haven’t fully caught up in any of my classes. And work hasn’t slowed down at all. And I don’t want to leave until winter break at the least.
Not sure if I made a post about it yet. But it’s been made abundantly clear, even this early on, that during sorority elections (about half a year away from September), I will be pressured into doing pledgemistress or president. And I really don’t want either. Part of me definitely doesn’t want to be in the sorority anymore. I’ll talk more on this in a later post though.
For now, let’s just look at an overview of what I’m dealing with right now, at the end of September. In our college, we’re doing this thing where the chapters across campus have to live stream an event for recruitment in place of actual recruitment duse to the virus.
Today is Wednesday, September 30, where I have classes from 10-9. With one break in between. Our scheduled livestream will be this Friday, so me and my bitch roommate, the two social chairs this year, will have to go in with the VP and President, to make sure everything works.
Meanwhile, I not only need to figure out how to answer beam elastic properties and equations for tomorrow, but also finish the lab memo, work alone because my partner’s been quarantined (only came into contact, not yet sure if he caught it), and then study for that midterm exam on Friday, and finish the project that me and my partner still haven’t finished from a week ago.
But outside of that, and other schoolwork I don’t even feel like bothering to mention. I also wanted to make mention that me and my roommate, Santana, are temporarily not on good terms. A couple of days ago it rained, and that fully put Santana in a bad mood. So she comes stomping in with her negative ass energy telling me she doesn’t want to talk to me at all right now. As if I wanted a damn conversation.
And then later that night, we had our scheduled room inspection. And she, knowing both that the Resident Hall Managers can hear her bitch at me through the door, but also that I have headphones in, deciding to yell at me about getting my face mask on because I didn’t fucking hear her the first.
Me Reviewing my emotions
Now I’m just not talking to her. Even a slug like her got the point we haven’t spoken since. Thinking about it though, I realized I might have anger issues, or I may be bipolar. It’s not that I’m even still that mad about the incident, if she apologized, I would accept, but I still wouldn’t talk to her. My explanation is that being friendly and making small talk is draining for me and the little energy I have to give, so when you give me a reason not to want to talk to you, I just won’t. And it’ll stay that way for awhile.
But I’d be lying to myself in saying that I was unaffected by the action itself, or even in saying that it’s not a mechanism of pettiness. I’m still learning how to be an adult and manage everything, including my emotions. But this has been a factor made very clear by last year in particular.
I shut down easily. If I’m mad, I just leave the situation, and when I can’t do that. Cut ties. Even typing this now, I feel half vindictive, half unstable. It honestly does have both strengths and weaknesses. But I’m still wanting to define exactly what being a better person means. But I also don’t like feeling weak, like people can just run over me. I feel conflicted, which will always lead to wrong.
Breaking off, I must say, I miss physically typing my thoughts and not having to worry too much about spending the time to edit.
Back to the topic at hand though, because I can never stay on topic. I don’t cry, I don’t explode with anger. Part of me feels like that’s all exhausted, and that’s why I’m emotionally detached from myself like this.
I’m going to give myself a break at some point, life isn’t giving me any. But why can’t I bring myself to do anything anymore. This isn’t just a change of the seasons. I can bring my self to work, classes, home. But other than physically being seen, I feel like I’ve lost a lot. There’s still more for me to see though. Like I said, I wanted to get something out before the end of September. Ended up being more than I thought.
Thanx for listening💋
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