April 9th
My father just bought a house for the family, to finally move on from this one. I googled it, 3 bathrooms, 2 floors, an office space, large unfinished basement, and… 4 bedrooms.
April 12th
I am currently in said house. And I still have the same problem. There isn’t a room for me. My little step sister reasoned that the office space would be mine. It isn’t really a room though… No door, half the space of the smallest bedroom. I think this is subconsciously dad sending the message that I need to figure my own living situation.
He might not even know it yet. But he’s definitely drawn a line this action. I feel like they only use me to entertain the damn stepchildren. I’m soooooo fucking sick of human contact. Maybe it’s just teenage angst.
Update Update – The next morning
So I didn’t put it in here because I was furious and tired. So right after the last piece of this post, we drove back home. And my father asked me “and my sister” a question. He asked about our goals. As soon as the question was even asked I decrypted it as yet another attack on me by my father. Him trying to lable me as a bum and lecture me on what he wants from me.
We’ll just call my sister Gia for now. She’s 2 years younger than me and has autism. Her response was that she’ll try to get back to working at Giant Eagle. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention? The crisis is still very much happening. Of course, he quickly moves off of her and asks me about my goals. I remind him that I’m still doing online classes and once the fucking QUARANTINE is over I will still be working. Then he says, he should’ve clarified that he meant when school comes around what are my plans specifically in terms.
I then say, “so this question was directly pointed at me the,” and he respons with “basically yeah.” Just that in itself infuriates me, he then begins to go on about how I’ve been direction less and how he can’t support like this forever. It’s the same bullshit lecture he’s been delivering for the past six years. Just slightly less infuriating than in the past.
Even so, I was sick of this lecture even before he tried to interrogate me for what I plan to do in the future. There was alot of anger when I realized there was no room for me in the house, and while they may act like they aren’t aware of the message they are sending. But let’s be real here, I’m almost 21 without a real place to call my own. They just want to establish that they want me to find my own space.
And admittedly, while being very underhanded and fucking stupid, it is fair. Realistically though, I AM STILL IN COLLEGE, an expensive one at that. And most college students don’t have their shit figured out period. I feel like making me this deadbeat deadweight mantra doesn’t help anyone. Period.
Sorry this took a fucking week to get to you guys, dealing with alot right now.