It’s not that I don’t have some faith that I could pull off having a blog. But, I’ll have to say this sort of commitment scares me. I feel like having this blog is the final admittance that I can’t fully take my own reality anymore.
So much that I’m doing this blog hoping one day I can rely on this blog for everything I need. The possibility no one will ever see these posts is not what I fear, honestly. Will wait for that audience to come to me.
What’s scary is the possibility that I’ll just be a balloon in the stratosphere, no one guiding it. Something very finite and fragile just waiting to either pop, or slowly deflate over time.
It feels like, the only place I’m going is down, and that I need to have it documented somewhere. Advice that I kept getting all throughout my life is to get a journal/diary. However, I’m too lazy to physically write things. Especially with no one reading them.
I want more out of life.
Short and simple.
Maybe some wayward lost souls will come by so I could take advantage. I feel like starting a cult would be a good plan of action. I feel like I’m better at bossing people around and making demands than actually doing work physically.
It all worries me though. This blog’s success hinges on me being consistent and active. Typically, I’m neither of those things. And I might get too busy to fully dive into posting the way I want to.
Just this semester, I’m in student government, I’m a coordinator for the food pantry on campus. I’m one of 2 social chairs in my —- rity. And pledging is going on this semester.
Hopefully, for once, I’ll actually figure this shit out.